Sucheta: "The perennial question for people of former colonies: What is my mother tongue? Is is the language in which I think, speak, read and write or the one in which my parents think, speak, read and write...the same one in which I can speak reasonably fluently but cannot read or write? My emotions are attuned to the cultural heritage and the rhythm of the latter language, but my words and thoughts belong entirely to the former. Which is my mother tongue?

It's not just confusing, it's painful. I don't know how to answer people who ask my what is my mother tongue. If I say it's Bengali, it's embarrassing to say that I can neither read nor write in it. If I say it's English, it sounds weird and I'm embarrassed because it's a colonial legacy.

It comes in the way of writing too. I think in English but my cultural milieu is Bengali. English doesn't have the words to express the rhythm of my feelings rooted in my culture. In Bengali, I don't know the words.

Well, you have three tongues mothering you then! Be happy :D . Don't worry about it too much. I grew up studying English & Hindi as my first & second languages in school, speaking Bengali at home. My mother, being one of those 'proud about tradition' Bengalis- forced Bengali reading & writing down my throat in the after-school hours, much to my distress (though now I am happy she did that- as it allowed me a glimpse into the rich literature of the language). I used to think in English, dream in English & Bengali... speak all three with equal fluency. Nowadays, I find myself thinking in all three languages in turn, the choice prompted by the subject. But, I am most effectively angry in English :D ! I encounter the confusion you have described, when I am asked- 'Where are you from?'. And, that's because even though I am a Bengali, I've grown up in several different places and not in Bengal.

This problem has suddenly reared its ugly head in Europe when people ask me whether I'm a native speaker of English, to judge the quality of my knowledge. I often don't know what to say. I think what they really want to know is whether I'm from the UK, USA, Australia, Canada or the USA. Preferably white. I'm clearly not. But that doesn't reflect upon my knowledge of the language.

Between the East India Company & the Crown, Britain having colonised India for nearly 200 yrs, I suppose English can be said to be almost native a language (if spoken in various peculiar accents)... At least, what we speak can be said to be more English than what is spoken in the US. As for white, you, as you say, clearly are not. Why do they still ask? And why do you bother about what these askers think of your knowledge of the language? You know what you know.

I'm doing something called conversation exchange here in France, in order to practise speaking French. So those who want to do that want to know whether I'm a native speaker of English. Because naturally they'd prefer to speak to a native speaker of English. That's when I don't really know what to say. I sometimes say yes because I could teach some English grammar but certainly not Bengali grammar.

Tell them your colonial association with English- if you are confident about your English, your conviction should be enough to convince them.

Your status reminded me strongly of Macaulay's minutes. The venomous and vicious aim of that document I always felt was at erasure through the most destructive of ways. I think we see that in so many ways. In addition, the post-colonial construction of India on linguistic basis did hardly anything to alter the damage. Coupled with that, is the attempt by the Hindi belt to push Hindi down our throats. All of this together, does not make for a good experience.

Erasure of identity...it worked well.

Yup! And the tragic part is, the post-colonial state continues the same. The way we stuff English down people's throats is nasty beyond measure."