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Trans Widows Does your partner have an unhealthy interest in transvestism or transsexualism? Has everyone turned against you to support him, even when he starts behaving more and more pathologically? If so, you're not alone. This blog is an ersatz resource page/support group for women who are "trans widows," i.e. women whose husbands/boyfriends/partners have left them for the "other woman" apparently trapped in their own bodies.

POSTS ASK ME ANYTHING OTHER WOMEN'S STORIES FAQ ARCHIVE On the third night of the cruise Felicity comes to dinner “en drab” as they say, looking like what he is— a heavyset Baptist minister who worked construction in his youth. With a flourish the headwaiter delivers roses to his wife, to applause from our four tables. Felicity puts his big hand on hers and squeezes it. He makes a toast to their thirty years of marriage and to her goodness and support. He begins to choke up; her remote look never changes. I can see that she is not pleased that he decided to dress like a man for her tonight. She is not pleased that he is so grateful to her for trying to believe that he cross-dresses only because he cannot express his warm and nurturing self while wearing trousers. Nor is she pleased, God knows, to sit with a bunch of men in makeup and dresses, some modest, some outrageous, some passable, most not, and call it an anniversary party. Amy Bloom, “Conservative Men in Conservative Dresses” amy bloom transvestite 6 notes

bigincapernaum-deactivated20161 It’s one of those days…

marykultolsen

transwidows More Mo-Dettes for your listening pleasure. mo-dettes the mo-dettes post-punk off-topic i love this band so so much 74 notes

juniperrusso-deactivated2015080 juniperrusso

A friend put me in touch with a small group of abuse survivors recently and I’ve been struggling a lot not just with all my own traumas, but also with the feeling that I’m part of a large number of survivors who are being swept under the rug by mainstream feminists.

You see, I’m finding a lot of people who had been sexually, physically, and psychologically abused by their partners who are trans women. Every single one of them had the same experience as me, which involved being accused of being a TERF or a bigot if they ever even thought about calling for help. I’m not the only person who once called the police on someone who had assaulted me, and then was told that I was a bad person because you can’t be a trans person or trans ally if you would ever call the police when a trans woman assaults you.

It doesn’t matter how much they (or I) stood up for the rights of trans women, including trans prisoners. We were called bigots because we asked for help when we had been abused.

These people, like me, were gaslit and threatened if they, even for a moment, questioned that people who use penises to rape other people– and who express and carry out misogynistic views about their DFAB partners– might not actually be trans. When we were raped or beaten by people larger and stronger than us, we were the bad guys because our position as abuse victims supposedly pales in comparison to the inherent victimhood involved in being a trans woman. And then I see these stats that make me feel sick: http://www.jaapl.org/content/16/2/153.full.pdf

That transsexualism is the “primary paraphilia” of 51.7% of sex offenders. Being trans is twice as common as pedophilia, among sex offenders. I try to make it so those stats can’t possibly reflect reality or anything like it. But it’s upsetting to me. I don’t know how many people there are who are in this position, but we’re here and we’re being silenced by trans-inclusive feminists. We’re told that trans women’s rights need to be front and center in feminist discussions, even when trans women are involved in abuse and violence toward other women. We’re told that our voices don’t count because trans women’s voices are supposed to be louder and more important.

I don’t want to be a TERF. I don’t consider myself a TERF. I myself am agender, under the trans umbrella, although I’m told that presenting as masculine-of-center means that I have inherent privilege over trans women, so it supposedly means that I can still be a transmisogynist. I know and love many, many trans women and I don’t want to exclude them from feminism or women’s space and I to this day believe that trans women’s rights need to be a priority in feminism.

But I feel really sick and sad knowing that a lot of people are raped and abused by trans women but shamed and silenced into not getting help. Mainstream feminism needs to address this and it’s not fair that the only people speaking up about this are TERFs, and if I dare utter any of these words in trans-inclusive spaces, I’m just going to be shamed and silenced again. 343 notes

I’ve racked my mind to see if there was ever any clues about him being transgender, but there was nothing. Frank covered it up so well I never knew anything… It was only about six years ago when things began to change. He first started getting very angry. Nothing seemed to please him and he was unsettled all the time. He had always been sociable but he became reclusive. We would be out at an event or with friends and he would just go home without me. I couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong. And I kept asking him why this was happening. Sometimes he would blame me saying, ‘It’s you – you’re not a good wife’. By then I knew things were serious. I never thought it was another woman. In 2008 he checked into a clinic for six weeks without telling us where he was. When he eventually returned he turned up with some people who claimed to be hypnotists and therapists. He wasn’t himself and I was worried. He asked me to listen to them. I kicked them out of the house and told him that he if went back to them the marriage was over.

It was not the Frank I knew. Tracey Maloney, ex-wife of boxing promoter Frank Maloney, on his pre-transition troubles. Unfortunately, Frank will probably have the same sorts of troubles after his “sex change,” and the real underlying cause will go untreated. frank maloney tracey maloney trans transsexual transgender 6 notes

gwyon-blog At the heart of the problem is confusion over the nature of the transgendered. “Sex change” is biologically impossible. People who undergo sex-reassignment surgery do not change from men to women or vice versa. Rather, they become feminized men or masculinized women. Claiming that this is civil-rights matter and encouraging surgical intervention is in reality to collaborate with and promote a mental disorder. Paul McHugh (via gwyon) 20 notes Daily reminder that you’re not obligated to associate with a narcissist or sociopath just because they belong to a protected class Source: transwidows daily reminder sociopath narcissist personality disorder 21 notes The Smiths - Accept Yourself “Anything is hard to find when you will not open your eyes…” the smiths accept yourself Talisa Andrewz on the Bruce Jenner situation. Kris Jenner isn’t my favorite person ever, but I think it’s ridiculous how the media lambasted her for not instantly supporting her husband of 20+ years in becoming a woman. Of all the things you can criticize her for, you go after her for that? Hat tip: Christine Benvenuto. Talisa Andrewz bruce jenner caitlin jenner kris jenner christine benvenuto 3 notes No Means No Daily reminder that “No means no” no matter what your reason for saying no is. Don’t ever let someone bully you into doing something you don’t want to because “Oh, you don’t want to be prejudiced/narrow-minded/bigoted, do you?” Always listen to your gut, no matter what else is going on. It’s way smarter than your sociology textbook. If something feels strange or uncomfortable, you have every right to leave; don’t let anyone override that because it might make “the wrong impression.” Your mental health and safety are far more important than some random person thinking you’re not progressive enough. daily reminder no means no cotton ceiling rape coercion sex consent 89 notes Sigi speaks of Polly and Paul as two separate people, one who is present and one who is lost. She has photos of her husband, bearded and suited, in her room, but nowhere else, as Polly isn’t comfortable with them. ‘Am I as happy? No, of course not,’ she says, voice faltering. 'I feel as though I’ve lost my husband, so there’s an element of anger and grief. The one thing that brings a tear to my eye is seeing an older couple in town, holding hands. I couldn’t do that. It’s not the done thing.’ Anna Moore, “My husband, the transsexual” Source: telegraph.co.uk anna moore daily telegraph trans transsexual transgender trans widows 6 notes The other day I looked at my son’s hands, which are nothing like mine. He has her hands: long delicate fingers that gesture like the man I married. When he was a toddler, my boy sat up in bed and scratched his chest just like his father. I laughed at the idea that my husband, when he was old, would share this gesture with his middle-aged son, and maybe with his son. Only now there will be no old husband, and here I am again with a lump in my throat. Lisa Jaffe Hubbell Source: Los Angeles Times trans widows transsexual transgender trans 3 notes firstthings.com Why We Stopped Doing Sex Change Operations Dr. Paul McHugh on why Johns Hopkins stopped doing sex reassignment surgeries for transsexual patients. paul mchugh johns hopkins trans transsexual transgender 9 notes He told her sister early in the marriage that she no longer wanted contact with her (unbeknown to Barbara) and they remained estranged for over 30 years. The spouse balked at any attempt by the sister to see Barbara and told her that she was mentally ill. The strain on Barbara was great indeed and she became dependent on anti-depressants and tranquillisers. Her husband threatened to kill her if she mentioned one word of his crossdressing to the Doctor. She had to say that she was depressed by other factors which did not implicate him. He presented as a caring and loving husband in the presence of the GP and other professionals but was cold and distant when they were alone. All through the marriage he remained patriarchal and made it clear that Barbara was to obey him. Much of his behaviour was fetishistic and he took to wearing women’s underwear permanently. He made sure that the children were never aware of his behaviour. By 1994, some years after the children had left home, Barbara broke down. She remembers being trance-like and vacant, possibly from increasing her medication. Her GP recommended reducing the dosage and she became tearful and distressed. He advised her to see a psychiatrist as she had stated that she had lost the will to live. She had difficulty in remembering who she was. In time she could start to recount her past life and the cruelty to which she had been subjected. She was helped towards an awareness of her own right to leave the marriage. Her husband remained defiant and denied all knowledge of her allegations. Although she did not return to the marital home he sent messages that he would ‘get her’ and she remains in fear of him. She has signed over her right to half of the marital home and he persists in telling everyone that she is 'mental and always has been’ and that everything she says is a pack of lies. She is back in touch with her sister who is very supportive but will not make contact with him and he is unaware that they are now in touch. Barbara is still too frightened to confront him and will live with feelings of injustice forever. She now has evidence that he is covertly taking hormones and is extremely clever at covering up the outward evidence of his duplicity. Barbara is concerned for her grandchildren who adore their grandfather but who may one day have to face the truth, as will her daughter. Her son has no contact with his father and very little with his mother. His dysfunctional childhood contains too many bad memories. Diana Beaumont Source: gender.org.uk trans transsexual transgender trans widows 4 notes marykultolsen transwidows I love this band. the mo-dettes sparrow post-punk off-topic mo-dettes 15 notes I was dating a transwoman who wasn’t presenting female yet. At first, things were pretty decent between us. We had a lot in common, and I was a listening ear about all gender-related feels. We swapped tumblrs and began hanging out with other people we met at a local LGBT group. As time went on, my partner grew VERY emotionally abusive. Silent treatment, gaslighting, stonewalling. I kept asking my other friends for support during this time. One of our friends was another transwoman who one hundred percent excused my partner’s behavior with “Why are you so upset at her? It’s very hard to be a trans woman.” ChainmailCat trans transsexual transgender abuse community dynamics 8 notes He expected me to be “her” audience and applaud as “she” applied moisturizer on freshly shaven skin among all the other countless, superficial, meaningless, beautifying tasks which in his misogynistic view defined a woman. I’d just escape onto the deck with a jug of whiskey and pack of cigarettes and plan my liberation. Cheryl Source: gendertrender.wordpress.com trans transsexual transgender trans widows 13 notes Daily reminder that people who say “If it doesn’t hurt anyone, what’s the problem?” almost always ignore and outgroup the people who are really hurt by their actions so they don’t have to think about them daily reminder 157 notes juniperrusso-deactivated2015080 juniperrusso It’s really been freaking me out and saddening me, that ever since I made that post yesterday, I’ve been contacted by more and more people who are seeing a lot of serious violence and abuse within the trans and queer communities, but none of us feel allowed to speak about it because our community puts trans women on this pedestal. It claims that because they’re the Most Oppressed Ever, their victims are oppressing them by simply existing. Hey, so– You got beaten, raped, and psychologically tormented by someone who outweighs you by a hundred pounds? Someone who is addicted to violent porn showing women being dismembered, to the point that they’re jerking off to it five times a day? Someone who openly admitted that they don’t do housework because their dad taught them that if you ignore it long enough, a woman will do it for you? Well, don’t you *dare* say that this is gendered violence. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, because you’re masculine of center and your abuser is WAY MORE OF A WOMAN THAN YOU ARE, AFAB SCUM! And when you’re processing your trauma and slip up and say that it feels like sexism, that actually means that you’re a *way worse abuser* because even a hint of implied misgendering is an ACTUAL ACT OF VIOLENCE. (All things that were actually said, all things that actually happened.)

Outside of radfem circles, you can’t ever have a conversation about abuse in queer and trans relationships without trans women bursting through like the fucking Kool-Aid man and screaming, “TRANSMISOGYNY!” It’s fucked up and it needs to stop. I’m going to be screaming this until my voice goes out. It’s not about who counts as a man or who counts as a woman or who can be a misogynist or who can’t be a misogynist. It’s not about preferred pronouns or trans acceptance or gender criticism. It’s about abuse and rape survivors who are being silenced within our community in the name of trans inclusion.

My feminism is for all women, including trans women, but doesn’t include rapists of any gender. Yet I’m seeing rapists being included in feminism under the guise of trans inclusion. That’s feminism done wrong. 18 notes

The story of Frank Maloney’s transition is really disturbing…according to his wife, he started suffering from a severe mood/thought disorder about six years ago, and stopped acting “like himself” which makes me think there’s some other problem there, biochemical or otherwise, that isn’t getting solved by his attempts to become a woman.

If he had a gambling addiction or a problem with alcohol at least he could get help for that. Instead he gets told that the only treatment that will work for him is drastic, irreversible surgery and daily hormones. So much for doctors swearing to “do no harm”… frank maloney tracey maloney trans transition transsexual transgender 2 notes

He is a brilliant father but it’s been devastating for them. He was their hero. Tracey Maloney, ex-wife of boxing promoter Frank Maloney, on his post-transition relationship with his children tracey maloney frank maloney trans widows trans 2 notes My sense of self, and my belief that I was entitled to set limits or boundaries was gradually eroded as the TRANS STUFF came to dominate and shape every corner of my life. I never knew where or when the next assault to my psyche was going to come, and so I existed for a long time in a state of hyper vigilance. That is, until such time as my ability to dissociate kicked in. I know from observing trans support groups that many of these men say, “My wife is fine with it – she just doesn’t want to talk about it or see it”. Many women are surviving through disassociation. Naefearty transsexual transgender trans trans widows abusive relationships dissociation hyper-vigilance 9 notes

Daily reminder that it’s not okay to hurt other people just because you have a hard life Source: transwidows daily reminder trans widows abuse 7 notes

“It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them!” life of brian loretta people's front of judea monty python 9 notes

This is from a long comment on GenderTrender by the daughter-in-law of a transsexual. MIL is short for mother-in-law–i.e. the transsexual man’s ex-wife. I really wish I could offer you some real advice or help. All I can tell you is that my MIL wishes very much that she had done several of the following things (this was about fifteen years ago now, and not in the US, and of course every situation is different, but you may want to consider or look into these things, which are of course not legal advice and I am not a lawyer):

1. She wishes she had filed for divorce much earlier in the process. Please find a good lawyer, the best you can possibly get, and of course try to find one who doesn’t buy into this gender garbage–I am sure they’re out there, even if they’re quiet about it. Yes, no-fault divorce etc., but that doesn’t mean there aren’t fine points and issues on which your being the filing party (and him being the one to move out, which in some states means he’s voluntarily given up his claim to full custody), and your doing that filing earlier as opposed to later, can be advantageous for you. Either way, speaking to a lawyer as early as possible will help, even if his or her advice is to do nothing for now. 2. She wishes she had taken steps to protect her assets and force a legal agreement on some specific financial issues. These are probably not present in your situation but specifically, she wishes she had gotten an agreement on paper about inheritances; the two of them had never done much saving for retirement since he had a wealthy mother and his inheritance was expected to be a big part of their nest egg. Of course, he then went–behind my MIL’s back–to his mother and asked for that money so he could fly off to another country and have cosmetic surgery. Bye-bye inheritance, bye-bye MIL’s secure retirement. She never got in writing what she was entitled to financially, and as a result she got screwed.

3. Along those lines, pull your credit reports NOW. Do NOT let him implicate you or involve you in the massive amounts of debt he’s likely to incur. Most if not all of these guys have no compunctions about using joint assets for their transitions and even taking out loans in both spouse’s names etc. Put a special notification on your credit files that you are to be contacted if anyone tries to open new lines of credit etc. Seriously, don’t think he won’t do it. He’s made it clear how little he cares about his wife and child and your futures already.

4. It might be worth finding a child psychologist/therapist to speak to your daughter, not only because it might help her but because psychological reports might come in handy when it comes to custody issues. Once again, try to find one who sees the trans delusion for what it is; the tranny complex is very popular right now but I am certain they’re not all on board. 5. Document EVERYTHING. When he embarrasses your poor child by lying in front of her at the nail salon, write it down. When he drags her to the store and she has to stand there humiliated while he tries on bras, write it down. The date, the approximate time, the location…anything and everything. The last two aren’t so much me suspecting there will be issues or custody battles or whatever, but you want to be prepared. Best-case scenario, you just toss the file out eventually. But worst-case scenario, you have evidence of psychological and emotional harm to your child. He’s legally entitled to “transition” and to force your innocent daughter to witness it, but he is not legally entitled to expose her to harm or perversions. Again, a good lawyer is key here and will have real advice for you. And of course, talk to her about this, and let her know she can say anything to you, etc.–I’m sure you already know and are doing that, since I’m sure you’re a wonderful mother. And oh, let her know she can refuse to see him, she can refuse to let him play dress-up in front of her, she can refuse to call him “Mom,” etc. She has that right. Let her know she’s not being a bad daughter if she doesn’t let him guilt her into pretending she thinks he’s her second mother now, or whatever. She is entitled to her own feelings and thoughts, and she doesn’t have to feel guilty or bad about it.

My MIL also wishes she’d set aside things that were important to her, in terms of certain belongings and such. She really wishes she hadn’t indulged him as long as she did, agreeing to help him learn to apply make-up and things like that. She wishes she had told more people what was going on, because he, of course, loved to tell people what he was doing almost as much as he loved to put on his tranny drag costume and hang out in local bars and pubs convincing himself that all the men and women in there were hot for him. So he ended up controlling the narrative as far as their friends and neighbors and town in general, instead of her. At the time, of course, she was so humiliated she didn’t want anyone to know, but now she wishes she’d asked for more support. Source: gendertrender.wordpress.com trans transsexual transgender trans widows 4 notes

6teas

surfinbabe Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet transwidows (Off-topic) Dire Straits appreciation post. dire straits romeo and juliet off-topic 195 notes

jessebranthowell jessebranthowell: “GASLIGHT (1944) - George Cukor [6/2/15 @ Larkwood Ave.] ”

Very good movie that coined the term “gaslighting,” i.e. making someone think they’re going crazy when they’re not.

jessebranthowell GASLIGHT (1944) - George Cukor [6/2/15 @ Larkwood Ave.]

transwidows Very good movie that coined the term “gaslighting,” i.e. making someone think they’re going crazy when they’re not. gaslight gaslighting 6 notes

Disqus Comments Are Now Live image I added Disqus to this blog just recently. If you want to leave comments via your FB/Twitter/Disqus account you can now do so. I don’t really have time to moderate comments, so if it gets too wild I’ll just delete the feature from the blog. We’ll see how it goes. EDIT: Apparently I can make other people moderators of Disqus comments, so let’s try that to start with. disqus trans widows

wisetidalwaveobservation-blog asked: Do you think autogynephiles are inherently narcissistic or is it only when they start to transition? Do you think that autogynephilia can be cured? My soon-to-be ex-husband claimed that his affair with a younger woman "cured" his sexual fetish. Apparently he had been seriously considering gender reassignment surgery before starting this affair (the affair is the reason we are getting divorced). I'm trying to figure out who this person I married is.

I’m very sorry to hear that, wisetidalwaveobservation. I’m afraid I don’t know the answer. It does seem like a lot of these stories feature men becoming more and more narcissistic during their transition. You do hear stories of women who say their husbands/partners were “normal” beforehand, and others who say that they exhibited narcissistic behavior throughout their lives. It’s hard to know. My armchair psychological theory is that the process of “transitioning” is a bit like a drug addiction; you don’t have to be a narcissist to be a drug addict, but the addiction has the potential to basically hollow out your personality and turn it into a weapon for acquiring your drug of choice. That’s why some addicts seem to “acquire” a personality disorder past a certain point, even if they were totally normal before. And of course if they weren’t totally normal, an addiction isn’t going to help…

As to whether autogynephilia can be cured, it’s really tough to say. I think it can be managed, at the very least. There are plenty of incurable mental problems that can still be alleviated to a great extent and I doubt that autogynephilia is an exception to that. I don’t buy the line of thinking that repression is unhealthy or always leads to some kind of dire reaction event–we’re all “repressed” in various ways (e.g. we don’t punch every person who annoys us even if we want to, we go to the gym instead) and this repression allows us to live our lives. Totally uninhibited people don’t live lives that anyone would envy.

Unfortunately, psychiatry/psychology, as it is today, is full of people who are unwilling to confront this problem head-on. The idea that you have to treat a sexual fetish as a problem to be managed is anathema to a lot of people today. That’s partly due to changing laws around therapy, partly due to the liberal/libertarian framework that almost all psychologists/psychiatrists operate under, partly due to cognitive dissonance. It’s really sad when you think about it, someone (male or female) could come into a therapist’s office with an obvious sexual obsession, and instead of helping them the therapist will set them on this very destructive path that could end with genital amputation and mutilation. Sorry I couldn’t answer your question. I would recommend looking at some of the writings of Paul McHugh, a psychiatrist and professor at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. He’s written at length about why Johns Hopkins stopped performing SRS. You might be able to contact him as well. Wishing you all the best for the future. trans widows narcissism npd fetish autogynephilia psychology psychiatry 3 notes

mirrorontheworld christinebenvenuto.wordpress.com Thinking Outside the Gender Box mirrorontheworld Once upon a time offered as a replacement for “sex roles” by feminists who sought to free themselves from the narrow definitions of what men and women were and could be, Sheila Jeffreys points out the irony of how the concept of gender has been co-opted by those deeply invested in believing that gender, in all its social manifestations, is inborn – in the mind, that is, not the body. It was once progressive to realize that if if you didn’t fit the confines of the role you were born into, it was the role that needed to change. Now it’s progressive to think you need to change your body. 3 notes

Again and again Tom promised he would do nothing further; again and again he broke this promise. To my anguished and outraged, “But you said …” he’d tell me, sometimes in anger, sometimes icily cold, “That was yesterday. I didn’t say anything about today.” Christine Benvenuto, “My husband’s sex change” Source: theguardian.com transsexual transgender christine benvenuto the guardian trans widows 2 notes

Along the way, I read a quote I could associate with my unwelcome situation: “When a man comes out of his closet, a woman goes into hers.” The truth in those words didn’t take long to become apparent. When the pink razor he began using to shave his body hair found its way into our shower, I lost my desire to shave my own legs. When he began religiously visiting the salon to get his eyebrows threaded every two weeks, mine began to grow wild. I lost the desire to dress nicely and wear makeup; earrings and watches went unused. I felt like I’d lost my place in our relationship. My roles of wife and mother were being supplanted. Our well-meaning son bought him a Mother’s Day gift and began privately calling him “Mom.” How exactly was I supposed to feel? Diana Matthews Source: salon.com diana matthews trans transgender transsexual salon salondotcom 8 notes

Using his smartphone, he created an online world for himself by inventing a fictitious life. I discovered that he had a secret Facebook profile, and scores of photographs of himself in varying degrees of undress– I am convinced that trannies invented that selfie – and that he had a coterie of dozens and dozens of young women between the ages of 17 and 24 who believed that he was a full-time transsexual, single, and struggling with finding a job in this cruel discriminatory society. He had a fictitious home life, fictitious job or non-job, a fictitious social life and fictitious friends. He even fabricated a “trans bashing” – this, I found particularly repulsive. Naefearty trans transsexual transgender trans widows relationships 8 notes

Among women who consider themselves feminists, a man who declares himself a transsexual trumps another woman any day. One of Tom’s supporters would eventually sum up this perspective most explicitly: “He’s a transsexual. Anything he does is what he needs to do.”These career women told Tom, and some would later tell me, that my wifely role was to support my man and to get my children on board with the project. My responsibility was to Tom. Tom’s responsibility was to Tom. In the Valley of the Politically Correct, being a transsexual means never having to say you’re sorry.

Christine Benvenuto, “My husband’s sex change” Source: theguardian.com christine benvenuto transsexual transgender feminism trans widows 6 notes